Think, Christy! Think!

I'm not sure if this is ever a problem to anyone. I can't seem to be able to eat intuitively. After almost memorising all about food and their calories, my mind automates to calculate every single bite I take. I don't think it's normal to sit on a lunch table, and argue with myself on why I am not able to consume any kind of food and beverage for the day. 'No, you've already eaten approximately 1000 calories so far and it's only 3pm', 'You still have to go back home and eat dinner, which is roughly another 300 calories'. And I'll be sitting there, watching everyone having their second lunch. I am not purposefully preventing myself to listen to my body. I just can't seem to undo all my knowledge on nutrition and calories of my head. I WANT to eat however my body feels like it should be consuming, as perhaps my body needs more food sometimes. To grow taller or to combat a foreign cell that I am not consciously aware of.  And, I do feel ...

I love food diary videos and blog entries. I always have. My passion of educating myself about food existed ever since forever. Diet and nutrition books was actually one of my favourite genres to read when I was little, as my mother used to have an array of them (in Mandarin) on her bookshelves. It was even to the point that I considered pursuing into becoming a nutritionist (and I also wanted to become an architect). But, of course, that didn't happen, as I now know that I am not meant to be in a science-y field. As I am typing this here, I coincidentally read a comment on a video that states that the Youtuber is eating too little calories and her video will trigger people to develop an eating disorder. [Speechless Moment] I understand where the person who commented is coming from. As a person who have experienced distorted thoughts on food, I can see why it is triggering. Especially when someone is on a really low calorie diet, or related to weight loss. Let me just get s...

When was the last time I wrote something here? Oops, more than a month ago. Well, I don't have much to explain, other than I've been too caught up with... just college, in general. But, hey! My assignments are all completed for this semester, I am on a study break (in which I should be studying, but I can't be bothered to read another 200 pages of 'How To Start A Flipping Business'), and after my final exam, that will be in the next two weeks, I will be a free bird. Okay, maybe not a bird. But, you get my point. I GET IT! I hate reading posts that keep talking about 'Why I've been gone' or 'I'm gonna have more free time' and the writer ends up disappearing for another few months. It is ugly and cringey. Frankly, what isn't cringey on this whole blog? I tend to read back on older post and think to myself on why I even decided to included a snippet, or post a certain topic here. Which also leads me to think why I disclosed this webs...

It is a casual, lazy and warm Tuesday afternoon. I just got off from a phone call with my friend, and decided to write down the context that I had ranted to her. This may not be a great post, but I wanted to note down all these boring and yet crazy little things that happen to me. Remember that ex I kept mentioning in previous blogposts? Yeah, okay, I'm sure you ALL know who this person is very clearly, as I got too repetitive at one point.  Well, guess what? I have another stupid story to vent out. Let's call him... Richard. I thought of Corney at first, but nah, Richard will do. Ever since the breakup, seeing Richard passing by me in the campus has been extremely embarrassing and awkward. Lesson number one, do not date anyone in your school or workplace, or in your friends' group. But as a few weeks passed, his presence didn't bother me as much, and seeing him around turned into a norm. We were just super friendly and casual with each other for an instant,...

'Hey, it looks like you have gained weight.' All my life, my family only taught me one thing about bodies. They must be proportionate, skinny yet fit, to be appealing. My family members judged celebrities' and movie actresses' body shapes constantly, making remarks, such as 'She's better looking now since she has lost weight' or 'What happened to her? She used to be so pretty when she was skinnier'. I didn't have a problem with my body weight and size when I was younger. I was always the 'ideal' body shape. Average height, slim figure and dainty limbs. I received compliments from parents all the time, saying that I had the (somehow) perfect outer appearance and other bullshit. It wasn't something I was ever vain about either. I could wear anything that was an S size in a clothing shop and my figure would be able to pull it off effortlessly. Good times. If you have read my other body dysmorphia related posts, you would know what ...

23rd February 2018 Days like today are the ones that make me feel like trash. I just cannot understand myself. Just as I thought I am capable, I broke down all of a sudden. I had to call my younger brother and commanded him to come all the way to the my location, in front of a bank and a street of food stalls, just to accompany me. Talk about being independent.  I stood in the lobby of the bank with all eyes on me, searching for the enquiry counter to get a number. I freaked out as I could not find the counter and the workers would not reply to my question. I felt unwanted, uncomfortable and small. I stumbled my way out of the bank and waited for my brother to arrive. I am the worst liar. I sounded so sure when I stepped out of the house. And in less than half an hour, he had to see me fragile and weak. I can never blame others for my distress. Banks have strict regulations and procedures to follow, the workers must turn me down, even though I was lost as I did not follow t...

I left them in the dust and did not have the heart to keep them alive. In my eyes, they were dead either ways. Their stems are soft. Water retention swelled up in its middle, as the ends start to dry and wit like dead wood. I can no longer feel the thin coat of fibres all across the slender stick, they have matted themselves into pricks. What was once crisp fresh leaves are now rubbers in green. You killed them. Its breathtaking yellow petals curled into one another. They are all preparing on what's to come. Pure death. The faith you designed for them. Your existence is now toxic to me. You have turned everything that I ever loved before you into hatred. I will never see my once favourite flower with joy. All I will see is you. The one I despise. You gave me yellow sunflowers, I acknowledged them but repelled their presence; You gave me loyalty, I swept their ashes into a flower pot. I only sympathise for the blossom, crumbling as it is wedged between us. It meta...