Body Dysmorphia - Part 3
'Hey, it looks like you have gained weight.'
All my life, my family only taught me one thing about bodies. They must be proportionate, skinny yet fit, to be appealing. My family members judged celebrities' and movie actresses' body shapes constantly, making remarks, such as 'She's better looking now since she has lost weight' or 'What happened to her? She used to be so pretty when she was skinnier'.
I didn't have a problem with my body weight and size when I was younger. I was always the 'ideal' body shape. Average height, slim figure and dainty limbs. I received compliments from parents all the time, saying that I had the (somehow) perfect outer appearance and other bullshit. It wasn't something I was ever vain about either. I could wear anything that was an S size in a clothing shop and my figure would be able to pull it off effortlessly. Good times.
If you have read my other body dysmorphia related posts, you would know what is followed subsequent to this. Long story short, in my early teen years, my pubescent mind became incredibly vulnerable and felt the need to control every aspect of my life. My body became one of my biggest enemies I have to battle everyday. Which is how this topic came to be.
Around the end of last year, my mind could finally process on what was all wrong with my mind. I realised that I have a bit of an obsessive personality. With a ton of inspiration and motivation, I looked in the mirror and did a mini twirl to check through my birthday suit. I made the decision to gain some weight, instead of mopping around and complain that I am not skinny enough. The idea sounded so right. It seemed as if I could finally be put out of this dysmorphic mess and add a bit more definition to my figure. Do you see how those two statements contrast each other? Curing mental health versus adding more expectations and hazardous to my body.
Gaining weight is pretty easy for me. Which I later found out it was dued to 'damaged metabolism'. In just a few months, I can see a pretty significant difference to my body. This should have been a good thing, right? I have let myself to add more calories into my daily diet, and it has helped to satisfy my hunger level. I have been taking Pueraria Mirifica, it has enhanced my chest area a lot. I have changed my all-cardio workout regime into strength and muscle isolation training, and I feel so much better after the routines. At the same time, this whole new change has given me a double chin, added unnecessary gain into my already bulky thighs and made my shoulders to look flabby when I am not doing a plank. I tried my hardest not to let the negative side to invade my thoughts, but the people around me have reminded me all of the points, relentlessly.
They pinch my lower belly and say, 'Why do you have this now?'. They poke my arm and state, 'You've gone fat now'. They squeeze my outer thigh and asked, 'Jeez, you just let yourself off your strict diet that way?'.
What am I supposed to truly respond? I defend by stating that I have been more conscious with nutrition intake rather than the energy it produces, and I have been more active in my consistent workout regime. I do anything, but accept that my body has gained something that I pushed away all these years. Fat.
Is this an indication that I should lose all the weight now? I know that I can do it. It will be easy for me as I have been burning it all off my whole life. But, what about the progression I have made so far on building my body mass and getting over this hurdle? If I back out of my aim, does it mean that I have been defeated by others' comments, which I know was not intended to trigger me in this sense. It was a banter, a casual topic. I just took it a shitty way.
I wonder when does body positivity come in. As much as I genuinely do want people to be the aware of their body dysmorphia, I always have 'iffs' over body positivity. How do I know if I own the rights to promote this vast movement, if I find it too cringey at times?
I wish that I can talk more this time, but I think that is too much of context in one post.
All my life, my family only taught me one thing about bodies. They must be proportionate, skinny yet fit, to be appealing. My family members judged celebrities' and movie actresses' body shapes constantly, making remarks, such as 'She's better looking now since she has lost weight' or 'What happened to her? She used to be so pretty when she was skinnier'.
I didn't have a problem with my body weight and size when I was younger. I was always the 'ideal' body shape. Average height, slim figure and dainty limbs. I received compliments from parents all the time, saying that I had the (somehow) perfect outer appearance and other bullshit. It wasn't something I was ever vain about either. I could wear anything that was an S size in a clothing shop and my figure would be able to pull it off effortlessly. Good times.
If you have read my other body dysmorphia related posts, you would know what is followed subsequent to this. Long story short, in my early teen years, my pubescent mind became incredibly vulnerable and felt the need to control every aspect of my life. My body became one of my biggest enemies I have to battle everyday. Which is how this topic came to be.
Around the end of last year, my mind could finally process on what was all wrong with my mind. I realised that I have a bit of an obsessive personality. With a ton of inspiration and motivation, I looked in the mirror and did a mini twirl to check through my birthday suit. I made the decision to gain some weight, instead of mopping around and complain that I am not skinny enough. The idea sounded so right. It seemed as if I could finally be put out of this dysmorphic mess and add a bit more definition to my figure. Do you see how those two statements contrast each other? Curing mental health versus adding more expectations and hazardous to my body.
Gaining weight is pretty easy for me. Which I later found out it was dued to 'damaged metabolism'. In just a few months, I can see a pretty significant difference to my body. This should have been a good thing, right? I have let myself to add more calories into my daily diet, and it has helped to satisfy my hunger level. I have been taking Pueraria Mirifica, it has enhanced my chest area a lot. I have changed my all-cardio workout regime into strength and muscle isolation training, and I feel so much better after the routines. At the same time, this whole new change has given me a double chin, added unnecessary gain into my already bulky thighs and made my shoulders to look flabby when I am not doing a plank. I tried my hardest not to let the negative side to invade my thoughts, but the people around me have reminded me all of the points, relentlessly.
They pinch my lower belly and say, 'Why do you have this now?'. They poke my arm and state, 'You've gone fat now'. They squeeze my outer thigh and asked, 'Jeez, you just let yourself off your strict diet that way?'.
What am I supposed to truly respond? I defend by stating that I have been more conscious with nutrition intake rather than the energy it produces, and I have been more active in my consistent workout regime. I do anything, but accept that my body has gained something that I pushed away all these years. Fat.
Is this an indication that I should lose all the weight now? I know that I can do it. It will be easy for me as I have been burning it all off my whole life. But, what about the progression I have made so far on building my body mass and getting over this hurdle? If I back out of my aim, does it mean that I have been defeated by others' comments, which I know was not intended to trigger me in this sense. It was a banter, a casual topic. I just took it a shitty way.
I wonder when does body positivity come in. As much as I genuinely do want people to be the aware of their body dysmorphia, I always have 'iffs' over body positivity. How do I know if I own the rights to promote this vast movement, if I find it too cringey at times?
I wish that I can talk more this time, but I think that is too much of context in one post.
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