Body Dysmorphia - Part 2
When I think about it, my insecurities were, and still are rooted by the trends.
Just like the most of you, my life is practically evolved around social media, and the Internet in general. Everything that I do, even the littlest one, are all influenced by this integrated platform.
We are bound to scroll pass any article related to fitness and body, inevitably. Body trends have existed since Ancient Greece. Idealizing a certain type of body isn't something that we humans are unfamiliar of. That trending body type represents our wealth and social status. It shapes our perspective of a 'healthy body' and the way we perceive attractiveness.
At 2014, the thigh gap was all the hype. It was just when my hormones were raging, my body was going through changes. Every PE textbook told me the physical signs of puberty, but no one has ever taught how to deal with it emotionally. I went through a traumatic experience to adjust to my new (slightly more curvy) body. I remember thinking, 'Why am I fat all of the sudden', 'Am I not working out enough?'. At that time, my worth was all based on how small my thighs were. With my hormones all over the place and the pressure to impress my peers, I thought it was a great decision to take the unhealthy leap.
It was definitely the worst thing I have ever done to myself. My body. My soul. (So far, at least). I doubt that people around me knew about what I went through. The thing is, no one can see a wound from the inside. If you don't say it, no one will acknowledge your problem. At the time I went through the hurdles, I was only 89 pounds. Still, my head kept saying I was fat fat FAT.
One of the main signs of body dysmorphia is comparing your body with one else's body. Around September 2014, I was present at a cheerleading stadium. Girls with skinny jeans and shorts, I drowned myself in a pool of negative thoughts, thinking, 'Too bad your legs aren't as long as theirs', and 'This is why you are not well liked in school. Your body is in a weird proportion'. Now, flipping through my old pictures, I think that I looked fine back then. It's such a pity that I had such a low self esteem to not see that in myself. No one should feel that way about themselves. (I know that it's way too repetitive and can come across inauthentic). I went back home that day, and decided that I could starve myself for a longer period of time.
At 2015, too caught up with the sudden school workload, I did not have time to deal with the disturbing thoughts. I guess that's one way to get over a disorder. But, surely not a permanent way, as I relapsed right after my final exam. This time, I wasn't insecure about my legs. Instead, I emphasized more on my waist. Can you see it? On what I meant about my insecurities following the trends. Because, Instagram models are posing with their perfectly proportioned figure, in their luxurious Victoria Secret lingerie, showcasing their toned and itty bitty waistline.
I don't have decent C-cup boobs, neither do I have a waist that is 23 inches. Everyone hates the beauty standard, however we all still follow it, subliminally. And I don't need comments telling me the same cliché lines.
Alas, somedays my demons are stronger than my well-being. I do wish that I have a golden ratio face or smaller nose, and no double chin. In the contrary, I find every woman in the world astonishing and uniquely beautiful, regardless on their skin colour, religion, dress size, face shape, etc. So, why can't I use that same mindset on myself?
Just like the most of you, my life is practically evolved around social media, and the Internet in general. Everything that I do, even the littlest one, are all influenced by this integrated platform.
We are bound to scroll pass any article related to fitness and body, inevitably. Body trends have existed since Ancient Greece. Idealizing a certain type of body isn't something that we humans are unfamiliar of. That trending body type represents our wealth and social status. It shapes our perspective of a 'healthy body' and the way we perceive attractiveness.
At 2014, the thigh gap was all the hype. It was just when my hormones were raging, my body was going through changes. Every PE textbook told me the physical signs of puberty, but no one has ever taught how to deal with it emotionally. I went through a traumatic experience to adjust to my new (slightly more curvy) body. I remember thinking, 'Why am I fat all of the sudden', 'Am I not working out enough?'. At that time, my worth was all based on how small my thighs were. With my hormones all over the place and the pressure to impress my peers, I thought it was a great decision to take the unhealthy leap.
It was definitely the worst thing I have ever done to myself. My body. My soul. (So far, at least). I doubt that people around me knew about what I went through. The thing is, no one can see a wound from the inside. If you don't say it, no one will acknowledge your problem. At the time I went through the hurdles, I was only 89 pounds. Still, my head kept saying I was fat fat FAT.
One of the main signs of body dysmorphia is comparing your body with one else's body. Around September 2014, I was present at a cheerleading stadium. Girls with skinny jeans and shorts, I drowned myself in a pool of negative thoughts, thinking, 'Too bad your legs aren't as long as theirs', and 'This is why you are not well liked in school. Your body is in a weird proportion'. Now, flipping through my old pictures, I think that I looked fine back then. It's such a pity that I had such a low self esteem to not see that in myself. No one should feel that way about themselves. (I know that it's way too repetitive and can come across inauthentic). I went back home that day, and decided that I could starve myself for a longer period of time.
At 2015, too caught up with the sudden school workload, I did not have time to deal with the disturbing thoughts. I guess that's one way to get over a disorder. But, surely not a permanent way, as I relapsed right after my final exam. This time, I wasn't insecure about my legs. Instead, I emphasized more on my waist. Can you see it? On what I meant about my insecurities following the trends. Because, Instagram models are posing with their perfectly proportioned figure, in their luxurious Victoria Secret lingerie, showcasing their toned and itty bitty waistline.
I don't have decent C-cup boobs, neither do I have a waist that is 23 inches. Everyone hates the beauty standard, however we all still follow it, subliminally. And I don't need comments telling me the same cliché lines.
Alas, somedays my demons are stronger than my well-being. I do wish that I have a golden ratio face or smaller nose, and no double chin. In the contrary, I find every woman in the world astonishing and uniquely beautiful, regardless on their skin colour, religion, dress size, face shape, etc. So, why can't I use that same mindset on myself?
Comments
Post a Comment