Think, Christy! Think!

It is a casual, lazy and warm Tuesday afternoon. I just got off from a phone call with my friend, and decided to write down the context that I had ranted to her. This may not be a great post, but I wanted to note down all these boring and yet crazy little things that happen to me. Remember that ex I kept mentioning in previous blogposts? Yeah, okay, I'm sure you ALL know who this person is very clearly, as I got too repetitive at one point.  Well, guess what? I have another stupid story to vent out. Let's call him... Richard. I thought of Corney at first, but nah, Richard will do. Ever since the breakup, seeing Richard passing by me in the campus has been extremely embarrassing and awkward. Lesson number one, do not date anyone in your school or workplace, or in your friends' group. But as a few weeks passed, his presence didn't bother me as much, and seeing him around turned into a norm. We were just super friendly and casual with each other for an instant,...

'Hey, it looks like you have gained weight.' All my life, my family only taught me one thing about bodies. They must be proportionate, skinny yet fit, to be appealing. My family members judged celebrities' and movie actresses' body shapes constantly, making remarks, such as 'She's better looking now since she has lost weight' or 'What happened to her? She used to be so pretty when she was skinnier'. I didn't have a problem with my body weight and size when I was younger. I was always the 'ideal' body shape. Average height, slim figure and dainty limbs. I received compliments from parents all the time, saying that I had the (somehow) perfect outer appearance and other bullshit. It wasn't something I was ever vain about either. I could wear anything that was an S size in a clothing shop and my figure would be able to pull it off effortlessly. Good times. If you have read my other body dysmorphia related posts, you would know what ...

23rd February 2018 Days like today are the ones that make me feel like trash. I just cannot understand myself. Just as I thought I am capable, I broke down all of a sudden. I had to call my younger brother and commanded him to come all the way to the my location, in front of a bank and a street of food stalls, just to accompany me. Talk about being independent.  I stood in the lobby of the bank with all eyes on me, searching for the enquiry counter to get a number. I freaked out as I could not find the counter and the workers would not reply to my question. I felt unwanted, uncomfortable and small. I stumbled my way out of the bank and waited for my brother to arrive. I am the worst liar. I sounded so sure when I stepped out of the house. And in less than half an hour, he had to see me fragile and weak. I can never blame others for my distress. Banks have strict regulations and procedures to follow, the workers must turn me down, even though I was lost as I did not follow t...

I left them in the dust and did not have the heart to keep them alive. In my eyes, they were dead either ways. Their stems are soft. Water retention swelled up in its middle, as the ends start to dry and wit like dead wood. I can no longer feel the thin coat of fibres all across the slender stick, they have matted themselves into pricks. What was once crisp fresh leaves are now rubbers in green. You killed them. Its breathtaking yellow petals curled into one another. They are all preparing on what's to come. Pure death. The faith you designed for them. Your existence is now toxic to me. You have turned everything that I ever loved before you into hatred. I will never see my once favourite flower with joy. All I will see is you. The one I despise. You gave me yellow sunflowers, I acknowledged them but repelled their presence; You gave me loyalty, I swept their ashes into a flower pot. I only sympathise for the blossom, crumbling as it is wedged between us. It meta...

Good evening from a warm and sticky climate place on Earth! And- Happy (Belated. Haha.) Chinese New Year! Hope that this year will be a prosperous year, and all the cliché Chinese New Year wishes. Most importantly, be healthy and safe. Over the weekends, I got a brand new phone. That's right. It's brand new. I had never owned a phone that isn't second handed. A new phone feels so fragile, with no scratches and screen protector, it's like holding a newborn baby. I feel terribly bad for not posting in a while, therefore I feel like this platform deserves to know more about the depths of my mind. Just a few minutes ago, I went through my photo gallery and found some pictures that I thought I had deleted. The pictures, they bring back memories that I don't want to retain, but as I looked closely, that moment when the picture was taken, it was such a sweet and comfortable phase in my time. I never thought I'd be one to share about a breakup publicly. It isn...

When I think about it, my insecurities were, and still are rooted by the trends. Just like the most of you, my life is practically evolved around social media, and the Internet in general. Everything that I do, even the littlest one, are all influenced by this integrated platform. We are bound to scroll pass any article related to fitness and body, inevitably. Body trends have existed since Ancient Greece. Idealizing a certain type of body isn't something that we humans are unfamiliar of. That trending body type represents our wealth and social status. It shapes our perspective of a 'healthy body' and the way we perceive attractiveness. At 2014, the thigh gap was all the hype. It was just when my hormones were raging, my body was going through changes. Every PE textbook told me the physical signs of puberty, but no one has ever taught how to deal with it emotionally. I went through a traumatic experience to adjust to my new (slightly more curvy) body. I remember think...

We all have something we would love to open up. It's probably something good and enlightening, or a past that we feel constricted to even mention a snippet of it. Everyone takes a different length of time to warm up, go through catharsis and disclose their subject. I am revealing this to a part of the Internet, but, I have yet to tell my own family members about my problem. I learnt about body dysmorphia disorder after I had written this entry. I didn't even know what to label it at that time. I was 16 then, I am turning 18 now. I was 14 when it all started.  Many people on the Internet have been disclosing this topic pretty recently, it made me happy. It's always a relief to know that you can relate to someone. But, the rise and fame of the subject created more controversies and doubts from others. So, for a long time, I said nothing about my issue, as I avoided being called an 'attention-seeker' by people. That was such a stupid thought. I feel awfully ...